Why I am an Atheist
(WAIT! Whether or not you are a Christian, Buddhist, Atheist, or whatever, please don’t be afraid of the length of this essay. I’ve re-read it a few times to make it perfect, and it only takes about ten minutes, so please read this. In fact, I DARE YOU to read this.) A lot of you people who know me on myspace know me as that ‘Jesus Freak’ or the guy that’s ‘always posting those blogs about God’, etc, and recently a few things have changed about myself, and I’d like to explain why. “If a man is raised inside of a cave he would never know what a flower looks like.” For my whole life I’ve been raised under a Christian household, so naturally I called myself a Christian, and did Christian things. I read the bible. I prayed. I sinned. I asked for forgiveness. I got baptized. I got saved. I went to Church, hung out with church people, went to church camp. But most importantly, as a Christian I truly believed in the bottom of my heart that Jesus died for my sins, and that God, without a doubt, existed. .. .. For my whole life, periodically I would also doubt the existence of God, just like all Christians, just like you, (if you’re a Christian) I would doubt whether or not Christianity was true or not, but of course the bible says that doubt is the voice of the devil speaking in our ears—only now I know that this voice was the voice of reason/logic. .. .. “Hath not God made foolish the wisdom of the world?” -1 Corinthians 1:20 .. .. But throughout all these doubts, I continued to strive forward, in an effort to reach the Kingdom of God, and I discarded doubt like past sin. It was easy, to label these thoughts, to predict them before they even came, sometimes. Every time I heard the voice of reason/logic, (or the voice of the Devil, as I thought then…) every time I dared asked myself a question based on the truth of a certain matter, on the validity of truth of whatever was in front of me, I would tell myself that this was doubt, and that it must be discarded. .. .. But the first time I was really impacted by a doubt so strong was when I was in early high school. “The first time I really began doubting the truth and consistency of the existence of God and my religion was when I was told by several different people to ‘Stand firm in my faith throughout college; most people leave as atheists.’” (And I’d like you to quote me on that.) .. .. At first I took this advice to heart, forcing myself to remember it, but as this piece of ‘motherly’ advice (from a variety of Christians) stayed in my heart, this anti-piece of reason/logic began to grow and stink, causing a decay in myself. It oozed out of my memory and into my brain, seeping into every cell and vessel. Over time I had to deal with this filth, it had grown too fast and thick, and I didn’t know what this fungus was; I only knew that it had something to do with that advice that was given me. I realized that this fungus that had been spreading would grow a tiny little bit every time I was self-admitant, honest with myself, in making a decision based on faith, and not on reason/logic. .. .. For example. When I read all the gospels in the bible, when I read that Judas was portrayed of two different deaths in different books, when I saw this contradiction—and not even a contradiction that an atheist had brought me, one that I had found myself!—I felt the fungus of anti-logic/reason grow just a little bit again, and it was changing into something else. I heard myself doubt the bible’s consistency and the overall truth because of this contradiction, but what did I do? The same thing you’re going to do (if you’re a Christian) is the same thing that I did, I told myself that this voice was doubt and I cast it off. .. .. Ever read ‘1984’? .. .. But time wore on. I finished high school. I went through a few years of drugs and confusion, and then afterwards had a deep religious experience and commitment that lasted two years, more so than I had ever been before, and then came the first day of college. .. .. As I walked up for the first time through those magnificent doors, the warning came back to me, to “Stand firm in my faith”, to not leave as an atheist, and suddenly I wondered why this was so. Isn’t college a wonderful place? Isn’t a place where men and women’s minds become expanded, where people learn and grow, where people become teachers and professors and nurses and cosmetologists, or CEO’s or football players, isn’t college a place where one should be? Then yet, why do people leave as atheists? .. .. The first time I declared myself as an atheist, I was without ‘God’ for about two days. The panic and ressentiment I felt was much too great, the years of endowing a possible prospect of a place like Hell, especially a place that would last forever, was much too great, and I backed out of my atheism with Pascal’s Wager, and I thought of that time as ‘The time I had my greatest doubts.’ .. .. And life continued. I prayed again, I believed again, or at least, I told myself I believed. In reality I know now that I was just telling myself this because I was afraid of Hell. Time continued to go on, I went to college, I worked, I read, but even though I was a Christian again, even though I firmly believed in my heart that Jesus died for my sins, and that I was going to Heaven, I kept hearing little things that other people would say, or things I would read somewhere, and not just in college, you see, the mere fact that I had opened myself up like that before enabled me to hear other people’s arguments, inside and outside of college, and I would here them, whispering in the halls, “If God is all-powerful, why did he rest on the seventh day?”, I would hear these questions as I fell asleep at night, “What could constitute as proof of God’s existence?”, and these voices of reason and logic continued to speak in the corridors of my mind. .. .. One day I could not take it anymore. Was I now agnostic? Was this all just more doubts from the red man with horns and a pitchfork? Was I still a Christian? What was happening to me! My eternal afterlife was at stake! .. .. I went home that day and for a straight week poured into research, and this week turned into several months. I was sick of it! I was sick of the doubt in my mind, if that’s what it was, I was sick of not knowing the absolute truth, of always having to believe in an invisible God, but at the same time I could not believe anything else. I was sick of not knowing for sure. I wanted to know that there was a God out there that cared for me, I wanted to know that I was protected, that I would live forever, and most importantly, that I would never go to a ‘place’ like Hell, but at the same time, if religion was fake, I wanted to know. I wanted the truth. I wanted the God, but I wanted the truth more. .. .. I brought books home that I had heard about but had never read, names the Christian shuns away from, names your youth pastor or preist wouldn’t let you read, books by Nietzsche or Russell, books about atheism, but also christian books about Satan, about the devil and doubt. I didn’t want just an atheist’s point of view, I didn’t want to be rid of God, I wanted the truth. I went on the internet and looked at several dozens of appropriate websites with an educational background. I read about the Ontological Argument and the Fine-Tuning Argument, and I read the atheist refutations as well. I read books ranging from “Mere Christianity”, probably the most important book on Christianity outside the bible— to books like Nietzsche’s “The Antichrist.” I read the entire bible. I read Jean-Paul Sartre. I read a lot of Kierkegaard, a christian philosopher. I read numerous texts and numerous books on every possible subject that would take too long to record here, every possible philosophy, I looked up all the ‘evidence’ there is for God and Jesus and religion, and all the ‘proof’ that God didn’t exist, and all of this churned and churned in my mind as the fungus of anti-reason/logic grew into an organism of reason/logic and common sense. .. .. And then one day I read a quote that I will never forget, a quote that changed everything. .. .. “As far as I know, there is not one word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence.” – Bertrand Russell .. .. Even when I was a Christian, I believed in parts of the theory of evolution. Only an idiot would really believe that the world was created in seven days when science proves it not so. Anyways, I knew that out of simple organisms grew stronger creatures, stronger plants, and when I read this quote, the fungus of anti-reason/logic that had grown into an organism of common sense, came out of its coccoon and finally grew into a beautiful tree of intelligence. One that smelled wonderful, I might add. .. .. As a Christian, your enemy is reason and logic. Remember that, if you remember nothing else. If you don’t believe me, keep going on with life, and listen to your mind. .. .. “All thinking men are atheists.” – Ernest Hemingway .. .. Now, here I could digress and give you one of a hundred thousand arguments for why God doesn’t exist, and you could refute this with another ten billion reasons or arguments why he does exist, but this essay isn’t about me trying to get you to become an Atheist. This essay is also not about you condemning me and leaving me immature religious comments. I’m not trying to convert you, so don’t try to convert me. This essay is about why I became an atheist, this is essay is me declaring this de-conversion (more like de-brain-warping), and announcing it to the world. .. .. I’m an atheist because I don’t have to live forever. I’m an atheist because I can accept the fact that one day I will die and cease to exist. I’m an atheist because I have values, goals, and especially morals. (Because when I wake up the morning after I do something bad, I don’t just simply ask for forgiveness anymore and POOF!, I have to deal with myself and who I am becoming.) I’m an atheist because it says Judas dies two different ways in the bible, and something that is a ‘Holy Book’ shouldn’t have contradictions. (Don’t like that one? Is it out of context? Is it a language translation error? Send me a message and I’ll send you one of another hundred of biblical contradictions…) I am an atheist because it makes sense. I am an atheist because throughout my whole Christian life, I always felt like I was lying to myself. “Faith is knowing you believe in a lie.” – Mark Twain And most importantly, I am an atheist because I can’t put my own reason and logic out of the picture anymore, I know in my heart that wisdom and intelligence is an important and vital part of humanity’s progress, and in no way ‘evil’. -D.W. Arsement ON A SIDENOTE: At the begginning of this essay I dared you to read this whole thing. Congratulations if you did, especially if you’re a Christian. I’m proud of you. Now, if you’re a real go-getter, I have one more dare for you (if you’re a Christian), and that dare is to read “The Antichrist” by Friedrich Nietzsche. Don’t be afraid of the title, ‘Antichrist’ in his day meant someone who simply wasn’t a christian, an atheist. Read it, it’s only around 70 pages long, and if you don’t read it, if you’re afraid to, think about the reasons your telling yourself why you are not going to read it. Why wouldn’t you read a criticism of Christianity, especially as a Christian? More importantly, I dare you to be honest with yourself. Have a great day.
